Dealing With Bullies at Work or School (Some Case Studies)

***This blog posting offers insights and stories from real life experience and is not intended for solving unique work-related problems. It is simply an account of real situations that have happened and explains how they were dealt with. thinkWORKnotJOB and Buck Moore shall not be held responsible for the misuse of the information contained within this blog or any harm that results from the misuse of said information. You can contact Buck for more specific information on how to deal with your unique situation.***

Watch the PSA below - created by students of Trebas Institute, Toronto (and Directed by me, Buck Moore).

(for Bullies at School, please scroll down below the 'work' section)

Foreword
What is bullying? Here is a great definition from Wikipedia
"Bullying is the act of intentionally causing harm to others, through verbal harassment, physical assault, or other more subtle methods of coercion such as manipulation."

Alongside the word 'harm', I would add 'discomfort', because they can make a situation unnecessarily uncomfortable. It's important to note that a bully is not always a bigger, thug-like grade school classmate bent on beating the daylights out of you after class and stealing your lunch money. Yes, this does happen and it seems to have become an iconic symbol of bullying, but some bullies are quiet fire starters who are strictly manipulative and some others are smaller than you and I and really mouthy, so they couldn't really beat us up, but they can make our work and school situations difficult.

Bullying is a mentality that one adopts for a variety of reasons, which I won't go into here because, whatever the reason, we must deal with them somehow. A situation can become worse when the bully mentality spreads to one or more people who then band together and pick on someone who dresses differently or stands out in any other way. If this type of situation is allowed to escalate, it can become quite serious.

Here's a story from and old friend of mine (I will accept any other similar stories, by the way):

"In one of many situations, I was 'the new guy' who had to do the jobs nobody else wanted to do. I kept to myself for the first little while and had to work under two very egotistical rocker-types, who would accept nothing other than what was deemed to be 'cool'. Apparently, I was uncool to them - and they let me know it. They would stand by and watch me unload trucks and take out the garbage, all the while pointing out my Value Village wardrobe and how ridiculous I looked (I liked my style and so I stuck with it regardless).

The boss had recognized the situation and, at first, seemed to closely monitor the pecking order and see if it would resolve itself. One day, I was out of jobs to do (I had done them all) and I began sweeping the floors. After a little while, one of the 'two', as I called them, came back to where I was sweeping, watched me for a few seconds and spat on the floor in front of me. "Clean that up.", he said. I looked at him and swept it up and didn't say a word. He had nothing more to say and walked away. Eventually, after a few months of the 'two' trying to make my work life a living hell, the boss gave me seniority over them because I did more work, didn't complain and did a better job than them. I didn't exercise my powers right away, though.

Over a year passed and the 'two' had gone on to make others miserable, I can only assume. Then one day about a year after that, one of them came back to work. The boss was smiling when he told me that he was coming back and again let me know that I could get him to do anything that needed to be done. In fact, he told me to delegate as much as possible and not lift too many heavy objects. I held off making this guy's life miserable, but what was dangling over him was that I could, at any given moment. After that, we had a great team of workers who worked against seemingly impossible odds, with me at the helm of the crew."

Bullies at Work
Every time I read a news article about people being bullied at work, I feel bad for the bullies. Of course, I feel bad for the victims, but in my experience, a lot of bullies don't see exactly what they are doing (if they do, then they are just mean people to begin with). Work bullies are especially harmful when they are in positions of authority and often don't know they've gone too far with their 'power' until it's too late. Poor bullies, if only they could see the errors of their ways.

Bullies in general appear to be blaming other people for their own shortcomings by the way they act toward others. In some cases, work bullies I've known had identity and self-esteem issues that more or less confused them, arousing feelings of petty resentment and therefore allowing these feelings to permeate into a previously harmonious or minimally agitated environment. Perhaps they see themselves as catalysts for needed change, or perhaps they just like to stir things up.

Whatever the case may be, they usually tend to go about things in the wrong way - like talking behind the backs of others or lying to people for their own benefit, criticizing them, trying to make them look bad to others, etc. What is more dangerous is the fact that some bully managers have no qualms about treating staff as pawns in their business 'game'. Bully's are sometimes fearful people and giving them power is like adding vinegar to milk.

I want to treat the idea of bullying at work a little differently than usual; I want to show it in a positive light, for it can be a good thing. For example, I was once bullied by a peer, who I didn't really know that well, but we both did the same work. He was very rude and obnoxious, eventually giving me the finger in front of a handful of people. My response to him was calm - I offered him my help should he run into trouble during his shift. I refused to go down to his level, because I didn't want to be there (and it could have ended up in a physical fight). All the people who saw this knew exactly who was in the wrong and a close friend of the bully came to me and apologized on their behalf. So, why is that so positive? Because I had passed the test and was recognized for staying calm. Guess who felt empowered?

In that situation, I felt I needed to stand up for myself yet not stoop to his level and it worked. In fact, it has worked many times before and after that event. In most cases, I had done nothing. I had let them say or do what they had to and I continued to do my work. My ultimate defense was to do what I had always done - be great at what I did. In many cases, I became an untouchable employee because I wanted to focus on the positive and not dwell in the muck, like so many bullies do.

These are the rules that I came up with and follow when it comes to dealing with workplace bullies and they can even work in a school setting:

Work-Bully Rule #1 - Do nothing, let them vent. Bullies need an outlet and have the desire for power, but they usually mishandle any power given to them, and it will come back to them (what goes around, comes around).

Work-Bully Rule #2 - Let them know you'll be there for them if they need to talk. I am careful with this one, because they may think I am being sarcastic and I do not want any physical violence! I am sincere.

Work-Bully Rule #3 - Keep records of incidents. This is for one's own protection and one may have to bring these incidents up with somebody above the bully. If there is nobody above the bully, these records should be kept and legal advice should be sought before it can go too far. I did this years ago with one very serious situation. I contacted two attorneys and had meetings about possible courses of action. There was a bit of physical violence toward me and although I would have been a fantastic contender in the resulting fist fight, I generally operate with more than just my hind brain (unlike the bully). In the end I chose to do nothing after I left and they went out of business shortly after (I do believe in karma).

Work-Bully Rule #4 - Never lose your cool! Bullies seem to like challenges, but if I don't offer them a direct challenge, what can they do but keep being a bully? I don't give in. I'm not saying I don't stand my ground, I just keep my mind to the business grindstone and they should go away. If they persist, I go to rule #5. I was once slashed with a shipping knife on the shoulder. I was wearing a jacket and didn't get harmed, but the knife cut my jacket. The bully was just 'pretending' to cut me, but he actually did cut something. So, what did I do? I looked at him intently, took a deep breath and walked away. Later, I took it up with management and they handled it. I didn't have to do much else but continue to be good at what I did.

Work-Bully Rule #5 - Request a meeting. Dirty laundry should be kept in a closed environment. If I am able to get a meeting with a manager and the bully, I'll bring out my list of incidences and offer a solution to the problem. I don't blame the bully for anything, but I express my concern for the company's productivity and image. I mention that animosity should be 'quelled' for the benefit of the company. If I am being proactive and offer solutions, I will have put myself at a higher level than that of the bully.

I have dealt with many bullies over the years and some have seen me as somewhat passive - something to take advantage of. On every occasion, I kept calm, followed my rules and it had never worked out for the bully in the end. There are many other incidents I could talk about right now, but I'm saving them for my book.

Bullies at School:
Some of the guidelines above can work in a school setting. A school setting can mean any level of education as some bullies just never grow up and do the same things in college as they would in grade four.

A classmate of mine once had it in for me in grade 9. We went to public school together and there were never any issues between us until we started high school. It may have been peer pressure, I can't be certain, but what I was certain of is this: he was told by another classmate (who was an agitator) that I drew a picture of his mother. Being one of the better cartoonists in high school, I was an easy target for the blame.

No matter how much I tried to explain my innocence he would not back down and this led to a "Let's take it outside after school.". "Great...", I thought, as I finished up my day, not being able to concentrate on my school work (the interesting classes, at least). I met him around the back of the school with a small crowd watching and the 'agitator' snickering nearby (who knew I didn't draw the darned thing!). We stood for what seemed like forever and I finally told him that I had to go to my job (flipping burgers). I walked away and he did nothing - he was as nervous as I was, I could tell by the way he was shaking. Nothing more ever happened after that. He gave up his campaign against me, I suppose, but ignoring him was the best thing I ever did in that situation.

I thought that I might look like an idiot if I did swing the first punch, or even retaliate by getting punched first. Not only that, I have always liked my teeth and didn't think a stupid fight was worth it. The problem is ,in high school, or even public school, that you can feel like you are alone when it comes to somebody picking on you. It's a hard thing to admit to being a 'tattle-tale' (do they still call it that?)and it's tough to look like a coward - but those are some of the myths that are perpetuated by some parents and legal guardians. In fact, anybody being bullied in school should be provided with a clear alternative to being bullied without being embarrassed about it; the bullies should be the ones who are embarrassed.

I say 'open up a can of bully-be-gone' and get 'em out of your face! There are people who can and will help you!

Feel free to contact me at any time if I can help solve your work or school-related problems. (buck@thinkworknotjob.com)