How to Tell Someone You Don't Really Like Them

I have discovered something fascinating over the years - some people don't like me! Even if I had tried and displayed my most amicable countenance, not everyone would like me. But, that's great news!

It's great news because not everyone can like everybody, nor can every body like every one, so we struggle with difficult people on a daily basis, which sharpens our people handling skills and helps us keep our guards up.

Admitting that you don't like someone right to their face is probably one of the bravest and relieving things a person could do, especially if you work with them every day.

Pretending to like someone is dishonest. If you were to let them know about it and get it out of your system, you can then focus on your work and not feel like you are holding something in every day, shaking your head every time the person walks past you or making faces at their turned back.

Co-workers and bosses should be able to admit their dislike of someone without consequence**. Not being open about it is an emotional trap, as the book shown describes on the cover, and people should be willing to let go and just be honest about disliking one another.

(** - I once told a 'manager' that I didn't like him. I had to, because he needed to be told. A week later, I was let go. I was a freelancer, so it was easy for him to get rid of me, but I stand by my decision to this day!).

Before you tell someone you don't like them, be sure the feeling is mutual, then think about how you are going to tell them. There's no point getting too emotional and angry about it. If you actually take the time to understand why you don't like them, you'll figure out a thing or two about yourself, provided you analyze the situation honestly. In fact, you probably do some of the same things they do to annoy you.

If they haven't got a clue that you don't like them, first try to find out their side of the story and see if they simply aren't aware that they are annoying you or angering you. Perhaps they haven't been properly trained on a process you know by heart. Instead of building up anger, ask them about it before you tell them you don't like them because you may actually like them after speaking with them.

If you decide to approach the person in question, ask them a few questions to confirm what bugs you about them, then discuss it. If they are doing things just to bug you, consider calling a truce and be done with the built up negative emotions.

How to tell them you don't like them, if you must - after gathering information, if a truce cannot be agreed upon, tell them you don't like them, ask them to tell you the same thing, shake hands and get on with your day. With the burden of built up emotions out of the way, you will surely find a way to work with your new un-friend.

Note - with the proper communication methods employed, you probably won't get to telling them you don't like them as the feelings might wear off following information gathering. But, if you do, it's better to get it off your chest and it sure beats petty squabbles.

I personally think people have the right to know if they aren't liked by someone. At least the problem can be examined and most likely resolved after such a realization.

8-)  Buck Moore

When You're Right, You're Right! It's That Simple.

 Special announcement: The 2010 Leadership & Career Planning Event in Toronto at The Westin Harbour Castle on May 25th, 2010. Go to www.thinkworknotjob.com for more information.

People often get into the swing of things at a new job after learning the rules, or 'guidelines', as it were. After a while, they may begin bending the rules because that is what is happening all around them and they think it's okay so long as others are doing the same, which is a sure sign of impending derailment of the company train.

Let's face it, rules are rules and they were implemented for a reason, so you either stick with them or you formally discuss the problems with them and how these rules must change in order to reflect the changes that are occurring within the company. Rules can't be broken simply because somebody does not see the value in them and has discovered a better way without letting anybody know.

Sticking to the rules

There was a story of a young security guard who was trained by his company to work a graveyard shift as access control while sitting at a desk all night. The main doors could only be opened with authorized card keys and all of the incoming phone calls were dealt with in the exact same manner as per the standing orders, which were current.

A phone call came in one night from an executive burning the midnight oil in the building and the security guard followed protocol, which is to never volunteer your name unless the person calling identified themselves first. The executive failed to identify who they were but kept asking for the guard's name, unsuccessfully, and eventually became irate. To punish the guard for not giving up their name, the executive stated that they would go straight to the site director in the morning and complain about the guard. The guard took note of the incident immediately after and went on with their shift. 

In the morning, the director arrived and wished to speak with the guard, who was just finishing work. The director explained the situation and said that there was nothing to worry about because the guard's actions were directly in compliance with the standing orders and a true testament to the high level of service the security company provided to the building management. The executive was warned that security was tight for a reason and that should have been proud of the service they had just received because the night watchmen could be trusted to secure the building over night.

Breaking the rules

On many occasions, rules, protocols and standing orders are broken because a hot new talent decides they have to transcend the antiquated restraints of yesteryear. It can happen with a new team leader or a new employee, but the result can sometimes be catastrophic and when it is traced back, people wonder how it could have happened. Upon discovery of what went on,a company is forced to have an emergency meeting so the problem can't happen again.

There is a story of how a lax system can cause confusion and chaos for a new team leader and it involves the gradual changing of staff and inevitably, the gradual changing of an entire program. In the company I am referring to, the staff changeover was fairly high mostly due to the fact that people stopped believing in the company and so did not take it seriously.

The programs for each department were clearly laid out in a general meeting one year and each department had to follow the program with minimal changes, if any. If there were any changes, they were to be discussed with the department manager and officially adjusted. Four years down the line, there was a lot of staff changeover and no new meetings at all, which resulted in some departments doing the same work as others, without anybody realizing it!

When it was discovered that there was a lot of crossover between departments, the new general manager wanted to know how it happened. In a small meeting with one of the departments, a worker calmly explained that the program they were working by was the original program template for all departments, but that new staff began to change things due to a lack of proper leadership; without any straight answers or general meetings, they were forced to work on their own. This was backed up by showing the manager the minutes from the original meeting, years before.

The final ruling

Rules, protocols and standing orders are made so that everybody knows what is going on and how a company is supposed to operate. They can be viewed as a conductor's baton, pinned to a wall for everybody to see or placed in an official booklet that everybody has access to. Rules can be changed as a company grows, but changes should be official and open to discussion.

Avoiding very costly mistakes in any organization is not that difficult if everybody is on the same page (of the rule book) and exceptional levels of communication are maintained.

For more information, consider attending The 2010 Leadership & Career Planning Event in Toronto at The Westin Harbour Castle on May 25th, 2010. Go to www.thinkworknotjob.com for more information.

How to be a Cool Boss (or other business leader)

How to be a Cool Boss and Get the Most from Your Team

First of all, 'cool' is hard to fake. You are either cool or you're not. But, there is hope if you aren't yet cool, for cool is a way of being that eventually absorbs into you. Am I cool? Of course I am! How can I tell? I can't, people tell me. It's not something I am aware of every day, but the ways I operate and communicate with people have helped the 'coolness' to manifest itself, whether I know it or not.

It all started with me keeping myself open to different things at a very young age. My mother was a die-hard traveler, who flew to exotic lands and brought back music and  little relics of culture from around the world and my father has always been one of the coolest cats on the planet, bringing his young sons to the coolest movies that we wouldn't be allowed to go to on our own. Those experiences stayed with me until this very day and are part of who I am.

I would eventually go through many part time jobs and carry my coolness with me as I went along. I befriended cool musicians and we formed a cool band that was (and is) unlike any other band around, which is a very cool thing to be a part of. Our lead singer is especially cool and has always been the one people talked to because he was very approachable off stage and didn't have the giant ego about him when he was simply hanging out with others.

Along the way, I met so many cool people that I am still friends with today. That is not to say that I didn't run into my share of uncool folks - there were plenty of those, but they weren't invited to the gatherings of the cool people. In fact, very often a party host will ask if somebody is cool or not. Knowing that the origin of the term comes from the phrase 'let cool heads prevail', we can assume cool people are not going to cause unnecessary grief at a given occasion.

Whenever I made a film project, the team liked what they were a part of and I was even told a few times that people had a better time working on a set where the director wasn't yelling at anybody. If the budget is super low, you cannot afford to lose anybody, so by yelling, you will cause the 'vision' to be blurry to those who are contemplating walking off the set.

The same thing happens on stage whenever I perform; if you create a positive atmosphere for all involved in the show, it will be a better show and it's in the best interest of the performers to lead the way for everybody else to follow the example.

So, are you about 'cooled out' now? Enough with it already, right? Let's forget about the actual term and continue.

People like being around others who won't cause them undue grief, who are educated by life as much as by literature (both fiction and non-fiction) and lecture, who appreciate other cultures, who can give others the benefit of the doubt, are easy to get along with and remain calm as well as discreet when differences arise. Those guidelines are what make a person a great leader who is respected and liked by team members, co-workers, friends and family. 

One more thing worth noting - I've always had great results when people felt as if they were a part of something....er...'cool'.

- Buck Moore